This is a Q&A from August 2007:
BOSTON VIC DELIVERS
Wow, what a pleasant break from my usual inbox full of Monty Polls* and movie reviews. I’m touched! Thanks to my fellow frenchie Pascal “Moose” LaRouche for offering the GMs of CRM a much needed break from Andy’s baseball bloviations. Andy, who here did you think you were impressing by dropping Steinbeck, Elliot, and Yeats in your smack? Holy shit. Know your audience man. This is a baseball pool, not a Morrissey fanclub. Don’t choke on your crumpet, I’m just joshing.
Sorry for the delay by the way. I’m getting married this Saturday, and honestly I had a hard time stealing precious moments away from the wedding plan to write this. In fact if this bullpen fails to meet expectations, that’s the explanation – it’s got nothing to do with my mad answering skillz. It’s the freaking wedding. Wurd.
With that, we unsheathe our letter opener and tear free the queries from their paper prisons...or we can just open up our inbox, if we live sometime after about 1993...unlike Andy, the Bard of Broadway, who lives in a time in the distant past, when poets drink themselves stupid in taverns, then stumble home to spread salve on their syphilitic cankers and have another 4 children with no teeth and thick cockney accents. I say, old boy!
1.) We all know about the M. Vick saga. If you were a dog, and I’m not saying your not, how would you put to death Vick? Ruffus from SF.
I am a dog, what are you saying? Insensitive prick. Seriously though, I’m not really a dog, or a dog lover for that matter. I’ve never really wanted one. I don’t like them. I have a Chinese friend who ate dog for the first time on a trip to China last year (true story), and he said it tasted like shit. So, they don’t even have that going for them. I guess Vick should be punished, because dogs are precious living creatures (blah blah blah), all part of the divine balance of life on earth (stroke stroke snore) but I would stop shy of the death penalty. I like ironic punishments, shit that fits the crime, so I would like to see Vick do some community service at a dog walking park. Walking around with an orange vest with a big yellow X on the back, picking up dog shit, changing garbages, signing autographs and having his picture taken with people’s dogs...plus several hundred thousand dollars in fines. That sounds about right.
2.) Which Character from Three’s Company best describes Cary? Farrah from Chicago.
The hopeless tenacity of Larry, the intelligence of Crissy, the fashion sense of Mrs Roper and the sexual instincts of Stanley Roper, and the dignity and esteem of Winston Cromwell III (played by Jeffrey Tambor...look it up). Actually Cary strikes me most as Larry, kinda annoying but in a likeable way, thinks he’s a lady’s man (thinks he’s a baseball god) but in reality is a strike out artist (defending nothing, two time has-been), dresses poorly (dresses like he’s poor), is best friends with Jack (doesn’t know jack). It’s gotta be Larry. Someone get him a rust coloured long sleeve velour V-neck sweater and we’ll all hit the Regal Beagle for a pint.
3.) Do you think Andy would survive George’s wrath if he really did GM the Yankees? Mr. Cashman.
Andy Leskur is no Billy Martin. Andy isn’t even Don Zimmer. Andy is more like a skinny version of Jose Canseco. We dismiss 90% of the bullshit that comes out of him, but the other 10% is definitely entertaining. There’s no way Andy would have survived a full season with the Boss. One pretentious literature remark and he would have been walking out of Yankee Stadium with a Babe Ruth bobblehead shoved up his ass. Do you like Oscar Wilde Andy!? He liked things shoved up his ass too!
4.) Philly is a tough town. Can share with us your best Philly anecdote? Pacman from South Philly. E>A>G>L>E>S…..GO EAGLES!
I would never eat artichokes with cream cheese. Are you crazy? Philly is a tough town though, I concede. Philly is so tough that when the Boogeyman goes to bed, his mother always has to check the closet for Philly before Boogeyman can fall asleep. Okay I stole that from the “Chuck Norris is so tough...” list. What do you want from me? Don’t judge me you smug bastard.
5.) I recently spent time studying my inner-self and found it to void of any intelligent life. Any advise for the empty soul? Sparky from Ontario.
Cary, let it go man. You aren’t going to find a grain of intelligence in your cobwebbed silo, so stop wasting the time and resources of professional scientists trying to find something that doesn’t exist. Somewhere out there is a box, and in that box is found your intelligence, your ability to win baseball championships, and your hair. You are never going to find that box. Move on.
6.) L. Lohan just got busted for DUI, again, and possession of a controlled substance (cocaine). How would you punish her this time to ensure that she would not be in your court again? Confining her to house arrest with Bob and Wayne is not an option!!
Whoa whoa, house arrest with Monty and Wayne? It’s not like she is guilty of treason or serial murder, let’s not sentence her to Dante’s 5th level of hell (aka Wayne’s basement) too hastily. That girl just needs a swift kick in the arse and a couple weeks of native north American wilderness boot camp for disobedient teens (if you’ve seen this stuff on TV you’ll know what I mean). Two weeks of having to eat grubs and fight black bears for a handful of berries will fix her little “disease.” FYI, before we go indicting her, she has claimed she is innocent. Even though she was speeding and driving recklessly while over the legal blood alcohol limit with a bag of coke in her pocket, she is innocent. She was framed, or something. Yeah, that’s it. Framed. “I don’t know how all that alcohol got in my blood, or my SUV starting going fast, or this coke got in my pants.” Right.
The bigger worry is that after Paris and Lindsay, young girls are going to start thinking being incarcerated is cool. It’ll be the new piercing of the 2010’s...add a guilty verdict in **Nicole Richie’s trial later this year, and we could have a serious trend starting. You heard it here first.
** Since I first wrote this, Nicole Richie got sentenced to 4 days! Booyah!
7.) What’s better Apple Pie or Cheesecake? Les Frère Pepin From Abitibi-Timiskaming
I don’t care how gay it is, cheesecake is the shit. I love it. Apple pie is great, traditional American dessert and all that, everybody seems to like it, but I’ll take a chocolate cheesecake any day. Sorry, no joke here, I really do love cheesecake.
8.) We all know you’re a closet BEE GEE’s fan and have a poster of Andy Gibb in your workout room. Why? Bruce from New Jersey.
My Bee Gees fanship has never been closeted. I am WAY out there on the BEE GEEs. I’m not religious, but if God exists as the Christians depict him, he will look like Barry Gibb circa 1976 – long flowing brown hair, thick manly beard. I think his voice would be lower than Barry Gibb’s though.
9.) Can you rank your top 5 porn stars in order of breast size? Dirk from LA.
Yikes...I run the risk of being relegated to the cheese cake eating group here, but I don’t really know any pornstars. I know Jenna Jameson, but beyond that? Breast size is not even a measure of beauty – it’s a measure of the skill of your plastic surgeon and your ability to afford a quality boob job. That said, outside of the porn industry, Diora Baird or Kelly Brooke could very nicely fill any of our sweaters; even Wayne’s, though they’d not likely survive a weekend in his (w)rec(k)-room. It takes a special brand of internet pay-site superstar to handle that kind of sexual prison sentence.
10.) Boxer or Briefs….what is the definitive answer? Mama Loom from Miami
Don’t strangle, let ‘em dangle. Gotta be boxers.
* The next 3 Monty polls I’d like to see:
What kind of sandwich should I have for lunch today? (ALL MUST VOTE!)
HAM
TURKEY
SKITTLES AND NUTELLA
PEANUT BUTTER AND BACON
We need to find another meme for the Pepins. Cheesecake is so 2006. What area should we focus on?
Do they like Lord of the Rings?
They both wear glasses
There are two Ps in their last name. Like PP. Get it? PP. Like urine.
Both selected west coast teams...something fruity going on there.
HowmanY dRinks havEE I hAD tonbighST.?
5
19
pi?
tHIis maNys!!
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