Baseball Pool Writings

This was the first Q&A after moving to the new site at CBS.

The return of the Bullpen!

Due to popular demand (that is, Pascal’s singular demand), I am back answering the queries that trouble the already troubled minds of our fellow GMs. Do I have all the answers? No. Do I have a majority of the answers? I wouldn’t say that, no. Several answers? I don’t know, ‘several’ is pretty vague. I would say I have something like ‘a few’ of the answers, but that doesn’t stop me from having opinions on everything! As I say of my boss (though somewhat derisively), “She isn’t one to let the facts stand in the way of her opinion.” And with that, we plunge into the first official Q&A of the year. Excited much? Cool yourself, I can smell you from here; don’t go leaving snail trails all over my nice couch.

1. Match the vegetable to the owner: The difficulty of this question is that it requires a knowledge of GMs, AND a knowledge of vegetables. That’s like being a specialist in TWO areas. What kind of salary (celery?) would that qualify me for? Further, in speaking about vegetables it’s very easy to slip into a Threes Company-esque spiral of double entendres, especially considering how many vegetables would be classified as ‘phallic.’ Imagine Cary’s torture, as part of his brain tells him he should be laughing, because something looks instinctively funny, while the other part of his brain strains to understand WHY he is laughing, and what exactly is meant by the phrase ‘as limp as overcooked asparagus.’ I can’t put him through that, considering how poorly his team is performing. Surely he would wish that his fellow GMs cease eating carrots, so they don’t see how badly his team sucks. LETTUCE just back off the poor bastard a little, lest he should TURNIP passed out in a ditch after a night of depression-bender drinking. Okay, that was stupid, no more cheap vegetable jokes. I feel so filthy.

2. Who do I think should tighten up? Tough call. Divulging information like that might cost me 3 potential deals I have on the go. On the other hand, if I don’t give these people some advice, they might end up listening to Cary’s advice, and have a late April “FIRE SALE!” on their near horizon. Does anyone remember when Cary used to be the champ? I know, it was ages ago, and the memories are foggy, but trust me it happened. Anyway let me just say this about that: after Wayne deals me Ichiro, Cary gives me Howard, and John gives me Crawford, they should then totally stop making deals until I need somebody else from their roster. Pope is also well advised to sell low (to me) on Pujols, while the getting is good (for me). That’s the best advice I can offer (for me) for my fellow GMs (as their actions pertain to me).

3. Early season surprises:

AL Beckett, Pavano (made about $5 million per WIN over the course of his contract with the Yanks, better than Roger will make!), Buehrle (obviously it’s just one game, but who would have thought Buehrle?!)

NL Hardy, Myers closing, Howard (no surprise, Cary has tainted him), Pujols, Lidge (blew his first save opportunity of the season in Houston’s first game of the season, fucking poetry)

4. You know how I know you’re gay Cary?...

Sheldon covered this pretty well back on the old TQ board. I almost think that statement does a disservice to gay people. I mean, if I was gay, and I read that, I’d be offended that you smear me by comparing me to Cary. Like the cavemen in the Geico commercials. But that’s the problem with jokes, you have to attack SOMEONE. There has to be a Newfy, or a homo, or a Pollack, someone who –by no fault of their own- has become the lowest setting of the bar against which the losers are measured. SOMEONE needs to be screwing the lightbulb. SOMEONE needs to install screen doors on their submarines. Someone needs to be the lowest common denominator. Is it fair, in insulting Cary, to single out one minority as that lowest common denominator? I propose something more progressive my friends: make Cary the new low bar setting. That’s so CARY of you man! Quit being such a Cary, douche. I saw this gorilla at the zoo, getting all Cary with himself, it was sick there were children present. See how good that feels?

5. This is the strangest “Who, from this list, would __________” question I’ve had, hands down. Monty, the gay teletubbie, someone I don’t know but assume to be from Wilson Phillips, an obscure dead French politician, and a Klingon...and not in a fight, but who would get SERVED first? I love it. If I’m being serious with you for a moment, the Klingons are a proud warrior race, and are not accustomed to taking a backseat to weaklings –whether in a bar, or in conquest, or “charghwI” in Klingonese- so the very idea that one would even be waiting IN LINE is insane. A Klingon would have got his drink first, and collected the right hands of anyone who tried to get served ahead of him. “jupoypu'na'wI'vaD” (“for my beloved true friends”...look it up!).

But unseriously, I saw Monty at work at the draft, he’s likely to sacrifice the right hand for a shot at the first drink. By the end of the night he’d have ownership of the Klingon’s ship through a brutally lopsided trade, but no hands to drive it. Levesque...isn’t he the one who was found in a trunk? I don’t think he’s challenging for a drink, he’s been dry for years. Amber Wilson? Didn’t she get her stomach stapled on Jerry Springer or something? I’m sure Brian Wilson is real proud. If he ever snaps out of his 30 year acid trip, he’s gonna be pissed. No drinks for Amber though, alcohol erodes the stitches in her still massive gut. Purple Teletubbie? He doesn’t have to buy his own drinks, his bill is being picked up by a mysterious stranger in the corner. A bald, ex champ with a team full of broken fantasys. A strange, shadowy figure with a wallet full of fivers and a pack of Life Savers in his pocket...except brother, that ain’t a pack of Life Savers...


6. I don’t get the impression that the Pepins cheer for each other, not after how thoroughly Shawn smoked Sheldon in his rookie season, and how Sheldon felt about it. I think my Cain and Abel reference from last year was most appropriate. Still, this is baseball. Outside of the savage colosseum of fantasy baseball, no hatred brews. Only brotherly love. Their fight song, therefore, is less a song of war than a song of peace and kinship. It sounds kinda like renaissance fair music, Sheldon working the recorder and Shawn snuggling up to the harp. If you’ve ever spent more than an hour at Canada’s Wonderland, you’ve probably heard it once or twice while strolling past Ye Olde Restrooms, near the Ye Olde Live Show Medieval Theatre that nobody gives a shit about. It’s part of the 34 minute loop of medieval fair music that Wonderland plays to make you think you are in an distant historical time in man’s past when his dollar is worth more than it is today, and $5.50 for a soda and $35 for a t shirt isn’t borderline extortion.

7. Because I’m not averse to kicking a man while he’s down, on the subject of Cary’s looserliness, I will say this: it takes a special kind of lost cause to make a headline story out of the fact that he is himself a LOSER. I mean, talk about painting a target on your back. Full props to you Cary for taking it like a man, which you do. You take your shots and give some back, and I totally respect that, and considering how many opportunities you give us –and not just give, but present on a silver fucking platter- it’s pretty important that you be as good natured about it as you are. By the way, recall that website you mocked that I generously provided you a link for, that suggested that Gomes might not be the DH in TB this year? PM if you want me to give you that link again, it looks like it might have a keen finger on the fantasy pulse after all. Speaking of pulse, or lack thereof, are you still reading Peter Gammons? What was baseball like at the turn of the century anyway?

Until next time my esteemed colleagues, I bid you “Qapla'” (success, goodbye, farewell...The Pepins got it I’m sure).


Original message

Hey Boston Vic,
How about a little feedback regarding the following topics I
got via snail mail from our loyal readers all across this
great land:
1.) If you had to label each owner in CRM with the name of a
fruit or vegetable, what would that list look like? The
Green Grocer.
2.) Some recent trades have “panic” about them…..Can you
rank, in descending order, who should have tight sphincter
at this point in the season? Seymore Butts.
3.) Who you think is the biggest NL player surprise and
busts are so far? What about the AL? Ty Cobb Jr.
4.) How would you finish this statement……..”You know how I
know your gay Cary”……..? Mr. Winky from San Francisco.
5.) If Monty were in a bar and the other participants
included The Purple Teletubbie, Amber Wilson, Rene Levesque
and a Klingon who would get served first? Please keep in
mind Monty would insist on a taxi for the winner. Mrs Monty
from Bolton.
6.) The “cheesecake boys” are in the same league (AL). Do
you think they cheer for each other? How do you think their
fight song lyrics would go? Lawrence from NY City.

...plus bonus addendum...

7) When a person rerfers to themselves as a "loser", do you
think that makes them "more" or "less" of a loser? ANd, do
you think that "loser" could benefit from therapy? Winner